Pattinson the Vampire Slayer
by nani'anela
Summary: Robert had his dignity ripped from him long ago by the vampires, and now he's out for some cold-blooded revenge, and he uses his signature on all his unholy victims: the widely feared "glitter bomb". "I can't believe I left Hogwarts for this sh*t." Please review and sign the petition! There will be corny jokes and horrible puns. So many puns.


Hello! I'm probably only going to make this a few chapters, but I need suggestions! What would you like to see him do? And while you're here, please take a second to sign this petition to try and get him on the show!

change dot org (/petitions/robert-pattinson-play-a-vampire-killer -in-supernatural-2) or just google "Robert Pattinson supenatural petition" and go to the change dot org link by Anatasia Orrison.

This story is prompted by the petition. Suggestions please! Please enjoy my corny jokes, and leave a review. :)

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It was getting close to midnight on a sketchy, dirty and dark street in the middle of a not-so-friendly neighborhood. The girl looked around twenty, with hair so pale it almost looked like it was made of gossamer, the white-blonde cascading down her back in a single, straight sheet. She was wearing all black; black combat boots, tight black leggings, a black hoodie that contrasted with her china-doll pale face. She glanced around nervously and slid out her mobile phone again, holding it up to her cheek with a slightly shaking hand.

"Bitch, I told you I was on my way!" The voice on the other end growled irritably. The girl's faded blue eyes flicked around from the shaded alley to the filthy street illuminated by a bright yellow streetlamp. "Can you please try and hurry...?" She cupped her hand and whispered into the phone, checking the street again. There was nothing but grimy, gum-spotted sidewalks littered with rubbish and graffiti. "He's in the area...I made a mess this time, and I don't know if I was too sloppy..." There was a sudden noise and the girl lowered the phone on instinct, her eyes widening at the too-quiet silence. She slapped the phone closed and her pale hand flew to hover over the knife she kept tucked into a sheath in her belt.

"Who's there?" She cried out nervously, squinting into the darkness and trying to see if she could pick out any movement. She stifled a gasp as another noise came from the dark area. "_Hello_?" She gripped the hilt of her blade, getting ready to fight tooth and nail against what she believed was coming; there had been stories of the terrible Hunter. All the fresh bloods were taunted with the horrifying bedtime stories of a vicious Hunter only known by the name 'Pattinson'. He worked alone, not like many others did, had no one had ever seen him to tell the tale. He was known as the legendary Hunter with the perfect skills and a _large_ bone to pick. He had his very own signature to mark his kills; a handful of glitter on the face of the decapitated head. "Don't get sloppy, or Pattinson will hunt you down and the very last thing you'll see is a handful of glitter." The older vampires would taunt the fresh bloods, then laugh madly as the new vampires flinched away from a fake throw to the face.

The woman squinted into the dark, and felt her muscles melt in relaxation and she let out a huge sigh as the only thing she saw was a patchy stray cat picking through a trashcan. Everything was going to be fine, the nest leader would be here soon to pick her up. She could drink down some delicious A+ and then take a nice, long sleep once dawn broke.

"Expecting someone?" A rough, lightly english-accented voice growled from behind her. The girl barely even had time to stiffen before her head rolled from her shoulders at the expert swing of a large, silver axe. The lone Hunter straightened up, still partially hidden in the shadows as he emerged to collect the pale head. He had a square jaw that was scruffy with light brown hair, and thick, brooding eyebrows. He had tousled, unkempt chestnut hair that looked like it could use a good long motel wash, and his lips were pressed together with some sort of deep-set anger. He was obviously attractive, but had a rough, troubled kind of look that only years on the road could accomplish.

He stalked up slowly, his surprisingly well-kept shoes barely making a sound with each footfall as he knelt down and inspected the head, the girl's expression would be forever frozen in a state of almost-shock as her glassy blue eyes now looked straight ahead and into nothingness. Robert rested one hand on his knee, the other was shouldering his blood-spattered axe as he squatted next to the head, tilting his head just slightly as he took in her features with an indifferent expression. He then reached into the pocket of his coat and pulled out a handful of the good stuff: it was high quality, dust-like glitter than kids were never aloud to sprinkle on their art projects because it wouldn't even be picked up on by a vacuum. If he was going to be glitterbombing them, it better not be the cheap, octagonally cut craft-store glitter. He threw a handful into the pale, lifeless face, getting just a little satisfaction to see some shimmering from her mouth and dusting over her glassy eyes that would never blink again. "Sparkle in hell, you bloody awful creature."

The lone man then straightened up, dusted off his thighs of the excess glitter, shouldered his silver axe and began to amble down the middle of the dirty street, whistling slowly to the tune of the Beatles' "Happiness is a Warm Gun."

SPN SPN SPN SPN SPN

"Hey, I just found something super weird. Come take a look." Sam said, knitting his eyebrows together and folding over the newspaper to just focus on the article as he angled it toward Dean. "We were in the area for a vamp nest, but I think it's been taken care of." He said with a slight sinking in his voice. He didn't want to think that the last 14 hours spent driving were for nothing.

"So, are you thinking we've got another Gordon on our hands?" Dean asked, quickly skimming the article and looking up to Sam for an answer.

"See, that's the thing. This guy, girl, whatever, seems to have their own...call it signature." He showed Dean the small, black and white picture of the bodiless head, which seemed to be shining with something that almost looked like water. "See that? It's-don't laugh-_glitter_."

Dean lifted an eyebrow. "You're joking, right? Glitter?" He grinned. "Either this guy's friggin' nuts or he knows something we don't. Maybe glitter's like the new salt." He chuckled at his own joke as Sam rolled his eyes. "So we thinkin we should try and meet up with this guy, or..."

"That's the thing. Only with a quick search and I found hundreds of other murders like this one. Whether it's just one guy or a group of people, Dean, this guy's _good_." Sam lifted his eyebrows, prompting for Dean to add on or suggest something. Dean nodded slightly with a sturgeon expression and spoke up. "Well, we didn't come out all this way for nothing. But how are we supposed to find this guy?"

"I think there's another nest in a town just a little ways over, maybe we'll run into him there." Sam suggested, folding up the paper again with a crinkle. Dean stood up and brushed his lap of the crumbs from his lunch. "Sounds like a plan, Sam." He said, fishing the keys from his pocket and chuckling to himself as he walked back to the Impala, followed by Sam. "_Glitter_, heh heh. Just when you think you've seen it all..."

...

When they finally rumbled up to the nest, they both looked out with wide eyes. _The job had already been finished. _Headless bodies were everywhere around the builing, sprays of red splattered in crescents on the walls, the aftermath of an obviously quick and extremely lethal slaughter. "What the-" Sam breathed, knitting his eyebrows together as the headlights swung over the macabre scene. The two almost jumped out of their skin as the headlights finally swept and illuminating a man casually sitting on the hood of his car, smoking a cigarette serenely, tipping his head back and letting the smoke fall from his lips in a wispy cascade.

"Took you two long enough," He quipped, sucking in another drag and lifting an eyebrow. "I knew my activity would attract some fellow hunters. It always does." His lips twitched into a small smile as he mashed the cigarette out under the sole of his shoe. Dean and Sam got out of the car, still somewhat confused as Dean took the man's extended hand and shook it.

"I'm Pattinson. Eh, at least thats what these vamps know me as. Just call me Rob." Dean spoke up next, somewhat looking aroud at the scene as he said it. "I'm Dean, this is my brother Sam." Rob extended his hand for Sam to shake, nodded and continued puffing on his cigarette.

"So, you're from England?" Sam asked, slightly tilting his head to the side. "London dialect, correct me if I'm wrong."

"Barnes, London, born and raised." Rob answered, running a hand through his messy hair. "Went to a boarding school in Scotland for a little while, though." He looked down at the floor and muttered under his breath. "_Can't believe I left Hogwarts to do this shit._"

"What?" Dean asked, narrowing his eyes.

"What? Oh, just thinking aloud, my apologies." Rob waved the comment away. Dean's eyes met Sam's, and all Dean got in response was an "I have no idea" shrug from his little brother.

"Well, I've heard London's had a nasty zombie problem for a few years now, that right?" Dean asked, tucking his hands into his pockets. The cold night air was brisk to say the least. Rob let out a slight 'eh?', wobbling his flat hand in a "so-so" gesture. "Li'l bit. Not so bad anymore. Some director got a whiff of it and put out that awful 28 days later thing, it's getting better now."

"So what brings you to the states?" Sam asked, puffing into his hands also as his breath swirled opaque into the air.

"What else? Bloody fuckin' vampires, that's what." Rob noticed the two slightly shivering in the cold and lifted an eyebrow. "Why don't we meet up at the closest dinner and grab some nosh? I'll trail." The two brothers agreed and began heading back to the Impala. "Me and Sammy here'll show you some real, red-blooded American food if you'd like."

Rob shrugged and looked like he agreed. "Sure. Why the hell not." He climbed into his own car and the two vechicles pulled out of the lot, leaving behind a mess of decapitated bodies with glitter thrown in the face of each fallen vampire.

...

"What can I get you boys?" The waitress asked, smiling up at them and tapping her pen on the notepad. "Uh, just water, thanks." Sam gave her a quick, closed-mouthed smile as Dean also ordered. "Coffee, black would be great." They looked at Rob, who set down the menu to order. "Earl Grey, whole milk please, with just a dash of lemon. No sugar." The waitress nodded, and it was extremely apparent that she was in love with his accent as she perked up slightly when she heard him speak. "Yup, no problem. I'll be right out." Rob flashed her a smile. "Thank you, love." The waitress bubbled into a fit of giggles and played with a bouncy ringlet. "Oh..of course hun, it's-it's nothin'."

"Someone's getting a discount." Dean snorted once the obnoxious waitress was out of earshot. "Eh, they dig that kind of stuff here across the pond." Rob replied and grinned, picking up his menu again.

"If you don't mind me asking, what did they do to you?" Sam said in his kindest voice as the three Hunters waited for their drinks.

"You don't want to know. I can still hear their screams." Rob shuddered and looked distant for a moment.

"Was it your family?" Sam asked quietly with an extremely puppy-eyed expression, leaning foward and he looked like he wanted to give him a huge hug.

"No...the fangirls." Rob shuddered again, blinking hard as if to force the sound from his head. "It's not a sound that should even ring in the deepest bowels of hell."

The two brothers exchanged glances and Sam shrugged. "So, you've been at this for a while now?" Dean changed the subject.

"Vampires ruined my life. I started around five years ago, and I'm not planning on stopping 'till they pry my axe from my cold, dead fingers."

"Ruined how?" Dean asked, arching an eyebrow. "Was it a girlfriend?" As far as he was concerned, nothing made someone go this vengeful unless it was for family or love.

"No, look, nothing like that." He suddenly looked very shifty-eyed and distrustful. Sam and Dean subconciously leaned forward, perking up when he said he didn't do this for revenge from loosing someone. "I'd better get going." He said, pulling on his coat over his shoulders again. "I'm sorry, but if you found out what I am now...what the vampires did to me...I don't want to put you in that path to torment. Trust me." He said coldly, slipping and crisply standing up just as the waitress began coming around with a plate of their drinks.

Dean looked irritated all of the sudden. "Look, buddy, no one goes that cold blooded over nothing. So what was it? What the hell did you lose to get you into the Life?"

Rob gave him a sidelong glance and tugged on his lapels and began to walk out of the diner, taking his tea in passing right from the waitress's tray and took a sip, his eyes fluttering closed like he was literally drinking ambrosia.

He hooked around to the entrance of the diner, paused, and stared down the two brothers who looked mainly baffled at his exit. "What did I lose? Yes, what have they ripped from me? Ruthlessly?" Rob narrowed his eyes and smashed the teacup to the floor, and put his hand on the door, ready to push outside into the night.

"My dignity."


End file.
